The Year I Met August Page 12

  No! This could not be right. Surely, all these tests were defective. Then reality hit me like a ton of bricks, and making light of the situation had turned into a full on meltdown. My body shrunk down to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest, and I rocked myself. Squeezing my eyes shut, I repeated, “This is a nightmare and you’re going to wake up.” But I didn’t wake up because this is real.

  I couldn’t have a baby. There was just no way. I couldn’t. I was too young. I was still in school and the father wasn’t even in the picture. Oh god. August. I was carrying his baby. I cried even harder, and I heard a knock on the bathroom door. “It’s me. Can I come in?” Gwen asked through the wooded frame.

  “Yes,” I sobbed.

  I watched as she glanced at the array of tests on the counter. All with a positive reading. Not a single one doubting the others.

  “Oh, god. What are you going to do?” Gwen slid down to sit next to me.

  “I don’t know. All I know is I can’t have a baby. There was so many reasons why I can’t.”

  Her hand came around my shoulder. “If you want to keep it, we can move off campus. I can help. We can make it work. We can be Two Women and a Baby,” she joked.

  I bent my head down into my knees. “You make it sound so simple. But taking care of a baby is a huge responsibility. You have to feed it, change the diapers, and clothe it. And you have to buy all the stuff that entails. We’d be working around the clock just to support it and pay the bills. I could never expect that from you. This is on me. And me alone.”

  We sat there for a long time, silence surrounding us. My head was spinning a mile a minute with scenarios that could be played out. But they all ended the same. I couldn’t have it.

  “I have to get an abortion,” I blurted.

  “An abortion? Are you sure? That’s not something you can take back once it’s done. But if you’re sure, I know a place in town. In my neck of the woods. I can take you.”

  “Can we go now?” I asked.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to sleep on it? Maybe wake up with a clearer head in the morning. I think you should at least sleep on it. Of course, there’s another option.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Adoption. You could give it up for adoption. Some agencies even have open adoptions so you can get updates on the baby as they grow. You should think about it. Besides, I think you should see your general family doctor just to see how many weeks you are.”

  “Okay. I’ll think about it. I think maybe I’ll take a shower and just lie in bed.”

  “Alright. I’m right out that door,” she noted before leaving me alone.

  Dumping the tests in the trash, I undressed and examined my body in the mirror. It still looked the same. My tummy hadn’t started to protrude out yet. I couldn’t even imagine myself pregnant. I stuck out my belly as far as it would go. It looked funny. A baby. A baby was inside me. And it belonged to August, too. What would he even think?

  My phone started to ring. It was August. How ironic. I let it go to voicemail. If I talked to him, I’d end up telling him. And we’d be in an even bigger mess. I sure as hell didn’t want him to feel obligated since we ended things. That was the last thing I wanted.

  Grabbing a washcloth, I stepped into the shower, letting the steaming water cascade over me. It felt good. If only it could erase all the bottled up nerves and anticipation. Or make the baby disappear into the thin air. The thought caused the tears again. I hugged my stomach. A beating heart was in there. How could I go through an abortion? I didn’t believe in abortion unless a pregnancy resulted from a rape or a similar situation. I didn’t believe in doing it just to be rid of it. But that was the only conclusion I came up with.

  August would hate me if he knew the thoughts I was having. I deserved to be hated. Hell, I didn’t even like myself. How could I be so irresponsible? I always pictured myself being married or in a long term relationship before a baby came along.

  After washing up and scrubbing my red face, I stepped out of the shower and dried off. There was a plush robe on the hook of the back door and some clothes on the counter. Gwen must have put them there. If I could muster a smile at the thought, I would. But I couldn’t.

  I also smelled food. Chinese was wafting through the door. Gwen hadn’t only become my roommate or my friend; she was my family. But even she couldn’t fix my current situation.

  Tomorrow could not come soon enough.

  Chapter Twenty Six

  The next day I scheduled an appointment with a doctor not far from campus. I had to be sure before I stressed myself out any farther. I arrived at the clinic by myself. I checked in, and when my name was called, a nurse guided me to a room. It was stark white and cold.

  “So you’re here to see if you’re pregnant?”

  “Yes.”

  “Before the doctor comes in, I’ll check your vitals and we’ll know if you are from doing a blood test. It’s the most effective way to know. Do you know when your last period was?”

  “About a month ago. I thought it was stress related.”

  The nurse drew my blood. “It could be. The blood work will show if you are or not.”

  “I’m sure I am. I took five pregnancy tests.”

  She looked surprised I took so many. Hey. I had to be sure. She took two vials of blood. I wanted to pass out.

  An hour later, the doctor confirmed my worst fear. I was pregnant. And I was within the time frame to terminate the pregnancy. I was six weeks along. Even though I knew, I was still in a state of shock as I walked back to campus.

  When I got home, I called the clinic that Gwen told me about and made an appointment.

  ***

  It was early. Too early to be woken up. But Gwen was gently shaking me. “Do you still want to go? Or have you changed your mind?”

  “I still want to go,” I stated.

  The look she gave me said it all, but she didn’t judge me out loud.

  I stood and grabbed some clothes. “I know you think I’m a horrible person for doing this. I know I am. I feel like shit.”

  She put her arm around me. “I don’t think you are horrible. You are doing what you think is right. Trying to survive. Hell I commend you on that. You know exactly what you want to do. Even if I don’t agree with it, I’m there to hold your hand if you need it.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Just prepare for the long ride,” she said.

  She lived an hour away, in the city, where we were headed. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything after midnight last night. I made sure to have a hearty dinner the evening before, but I was still hungry…even if I didn’t feel like eating.

  “I wonder if it’s going to hurt?” I questioned.

  Gwen was driving her little Passat.

  “I don’t know. All I know is you’ll probably have to take it easy for a few days. I’m sure someone there will be able to answer your questions.”

  I watched the wintery scenery pass by as we road to her neck of the woods. I wondered if protesters would be there like I’d seen on the news or read about. Mostly, I worried about my well-being. Was I even mature enough to handle such a thing?

  Gwen’s hand landed on my knee. “I can tell your head’s spinning. Try not to think so much.”

  “You aren’t the one pregnant.”

  “I know. I’m here for you, whatever you decide to do,” she said.

  I gave a slight nod.

  The car ride wasn’t so bad. Gwen turned down a side street that resembled an alley. Parking the car, we walked up a set of stairs and entered into an office. I explained I had an appointment and gave my name to the receptionist. Gwen had to provide I.D as well since she was my guest and my ride back home.

  The receptionist handed me paperwork to fill out. Gwen and I took a seat by the window. The scene around me unfolded. Girls crying. Boyfriends or partners looking terrified. A few girls looked scared out of their mind. I saw the torment in their eyes. I swallowed a hard lump as I took it all in
.

  I leaned into Gwen. “I don’t know if I can do this. Look at them.” I was scared out of my mind.

  “What do you want to do?” she asked, annoyed with my second guessing the decision.

  The girls around me were emotionally distraught. It brought tears to my eyes. If they were this distraught now, what about after the procedure? I sat there contemplating my decision while Gwen waited on me. My leg bounced up and down as the nerves kicked in.

  “I can’t go through with this.” I stood and walked out, dumping the paperwork in the trash.

  “So, what? You’re going to have the baby?”

  “I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe adoption will be the better option. You know, for couples that can’t have kids.”

  “I think that’s the best option. But you do realize you’ll be carrying the baby for nine long months.”

  We got back in her Passat and drove back to campus, stopping at a Burger Shack for a bite to eat. I was starving. We walked in and grabbed a booth.

  “I know. This is just a lot to take in. I just need food and a nap.”

  The waitress arrived to take our drink orders, and ordered the food at the same time.

  “If I’m going to carry this baby, there are going to be rules,” I stated.

  “What kind of rules?”

  “No baby talk. No feeling my stomach or commenting on it. I want it to be void as much as possible. Capice?”

  Gwen nodded. “Loud and clear. Whatever you say, Murph. Now are you going to tell August?”

  Our food arrived and we started to dig in, and continued the conversation. “God, no. It would just complicate things. I just need to cut ties with him altogether. Cut my loss.” I swallowed hard at the thought, and my heart lurched.

  “That’s cold, Murph.”

  “It’s the only way to transition into this smoothly. The baby deserves a good life. One, a pair of parents are ready to provide. In my predicament, I can’t provide for a baby. But I’m considering an open adoption. Maybe I can be in it’s life and get updates.” I popped a fry in my mouth. “And I’m never having sex again.”

  Gwen laughed. “So how are we going to go about this when people start asking?”

  I thought for a moment before answering. “I’ll change my wardrobe and wear baggy clothes to cover the bump. Hopefully, no one will notice.” I yawned.

  “Alright. Finish your food so I can get you home so you can nap.”

  I did as she said. And as soon as I got home, I got in bed and passed out.

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Three months can pass by in a blur, or so slowly you feel like its torture. I was four months pregnant, and for the most part, the days had passed painlessly. I was still getting used to the notion that a baby was in my stomach, growing more and more.

  I often wondered if having a baby would have changed August’s mind. Like would he have given up the drugs for us? I was riddled with guilt that he didn’t know, but I was also terrified of telling him.

  I’d been working with an adoption agency that specialized in open adoptions. I’d been looking at videos the families had posted on the website. I got to pick the lucky couple. I could have chosen a lot earlier, but it had taken me a while to come to grips with my decision. Normally, the couple covered the cost of doctor appointments, food, and even rent and such. So that wasn’t an issue. Yet I didn’t know what was stopping me from picking a couple.

  “Oh. They are cute.” Gwen pointed at the couple on my screen.

  “Yeah, they are.”

  “You’re going to have to pick a couple soon. They’ve already missed the first four months.”

  While Gwen was always so optimistic, she was also logical when it came to things that were personal. She knew the right things to say that made sense.

  “I know. I’m skimming through them so I can decide on a couple. It’s only fair they get to experience the process, too. I think my counselor is even annoyed with me. I’m just so indecisive. And I’m normally not this indecisive.”

  Gwen studied while I watched more videos. Each one was more heartbreaking. They’d either tried for years; IVF never took, or had multiple miscarriages, and now their health was at risk if they carried to term. I couldn’t imagine the pain they’d gone through. Sadly, I based my choice off looks. So my baby could resemble them in some way. And how put together they were. I could see the fake smiles, and deemed that they were trying too hard.

  Twenty minutes later, I decided on a couple in their early thirties. They’d been together since high school, so the relationship seemed solid. They’d tried everything to no avail. She had dark features like August, while her husband had reddish blond hair. They seemed like the logical choice.

  The next morning, I called the agency. “I’ve decided on a couple,” I told Stephanie Collins, the counselor I work with. “I chose the Iversons.”

  “Oh. I’m so thrilled to tell them the news. Are you interested in meeting them in person so we can get the paperwork going?”

  “Sure. Set it up and I’ll be there,” I told her.

  “Great! Let me get a hold of them, and then I’ll text you the day and time.”

  “Sounds good. Talk to you later,” I said.

  I hung up the phone feeling a mix of emotions. This was real now. Maybe that was what I was avoiding about choosing a couple. Because, at the end of the pregnancy I’d be handing over the baby as if it never happened. How could one prepare for that? It was the only logical choice. And at least it would be an open adoption so I could get updates and possibly be in the baby’s life in some way. That was what I hoped for, anyway.

  “I think I’ll take a nap now,” I confessed.

  Nap time had become an everyday requirement. I even dropped a class because the exhaustion was killing me. I still had enough classes to keep me in the dorms, though. So far, no one had picked up on my pregnancy. I’d been so lucky not to even get morning sickness. I was sure that would bite me in the ass at some point.

  August had finally stopped calling after I refused to answer his calls. And my emotions had been all over the place. I was twelve weeks in, and my body was changing as well. My belly was protruding outward. According to the internet, the baby was the size of an avocado. Which was kind of funny to think about. I was expecting to deliver in November. Hopefully, not on a holiday. No holiday baby. Probably more toward the beginning of the month, according to the doctor.

  When I woke from my nap a few hours later, I smelled food. Gwen got pizza.

  “I got one with everything, and a plain one. I never know which you are craving,” she said, and it brought a smile to my face.

  “Have I told you how great you’ve been through all this? It means a lot to me.” I reached for a slice with everything on it.

  “I’m glad to be able to experience it with you. So at least I know what to expect when that time comes for me. Which won’t be for a very very long time,” she noted.

  I laughed. “Yeah. I thought this would wait, too, but look what happened.”

  I was serious when I said I was never having sex again. Nope. Not going to happen.

  She was eating a plain slice. “I’m really happy you chose a family for that little one. I bet they will be thrilled. Oh. Your phone buzzed while you were napping.”

  I smiled at her and reached for my phone. “I must have been really out of it. It’s a text from Stephanie. She set up the meeting for the day after tomorrow with the couple at noon.”

  Gwen reached for another slice. If anyone could put pizza away, it was us. “That’s exciting, right? I’m sure they will love you, and everything will fall into place the way it should.”

  That was the thing about Gwen; she was always optimistic, while I was always the logical one of the two of us. That was why we balanced each other out. She was the ying to my yang.

  ***

  Today was the day I’d meet the Iversons. I was nervous. What if they didn’t like me? What if I didn’t like them? Surely, we’
d have to get along for the sake of the baby. I called a cab to take me to the clinic where I was meeting the couple. I had on a navy colored wrap dress that hugged my belly. It was the first time I wore something form fitting. Surprisingly, I felt pretty in it. Gwen insisted on buying it for me when we went shopping for a few maternity pants.

  The cabbie pulled into the clinic, and I walked in meeting with Stephanie Collins the one organizing everything.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked, guiding us to a room.

  “I feel good. Everything is coming along nicely.”

  We went into her office. “The Iversons should be here any moment. Do you have any questions?”

  I thought for a moment. “Nothing comes to mind.”

  A few moments later, the Iversons were ushered in by Stephanie’s assistant. The couple was just as they were in the video. The woman, Catherine, had a vivacious smile and her white teeth shined. She immediately reached out her hand, and I shook it. She introduced me to her husband, Adam. He was tall and shared a wide smile, greeting me.

  “I’m going to step out and let you guys get acquainted,” Stephanie told us.

  I nodded and looked to Catherine, who was seated across from me. She and Adam were holding hands.

  “We were so thrilled to get the call. Thank you. How many weeks along are you?”

  “I’m twelve weeks. I’m sorry I didn’t choose sooner. I feel like you’ve been gypped out of experiencing half the pregnancy. I mean, if you want to adopt this baby,” I spoke nervously, rubbing my stomach.

  “Is the father in the picture?” Adam asked.

  “He’s not. We broke up before I found out. Neither one of us are in the position to raise a baby. The baby deserves a stable life and stable parents.”